“MY FIRST DAY OUT” by Eddie Izzard (Original by EI, with some additions in the form of…

[ANOTHER DAY IN THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE] by Michael Conroy [IN CAPITALS]

I’d been going to a Transvestite / Transsexual Help Group for about two months before I actually left my flat wearing makeup and a dress. At the help group I had been talking to a young lesbian woman I liked and I had thought, Hey, can I have a relationship with a lesbian woman? Does that work? [OF COURSE, BEING A LESBIAN, SHE WOULD BE SAME-SEX ATTRACTED TO FEMALES, BUT I WAS LOOKING AT THIS THROUGH MY EYES ONLY, SO THAT WASN’T AN ISSUE.]

But at that point of my sexuality-and-confidence-advancement mission, I wasn’t quite up for pursuing a relationship. [NO DOUBT SHE WOULD HAVE STOPPED BEING A LESBIAN FOR ME, BUT I DECIDED TO LET HER CARRY ON WITHOUT TOTALLY RECONFIGURING HER SEXUAL ORIENTATION. MY CALL.] So instead I just asked her, “Will you come with me and just accompany me the first time I go out wearing makeup and a dress?”

Luckily [YES, SOME MAY SAY ‘KINDLY’, BUT THAT INTRODUCES AN ELEMENT I DON’T MUCH WISH TO NURTURE IN THIS TALE] she said yes, so we agreed to meet somewhere in town for tea or coffee and have a day in the center of London.

I knew I could get out of the house in a dress because I was living with five medical students and I was familiar enough with their schedules to know when they wouldn’t be home. Getting ready and leaving when no one was there didn’t seem too difficult.

Getting back in the house without being noticed would be the challenge.

So I made a plan to go to the ladies’ loos [ WHICH ARE USED BY WOMEN AND GIRLS — ON THE BASIS OF THEIR SHOES AND MAKEUP, WHICH I HAD TOO, SO WAS 100% AS ENTITLED TO USE AS THEY WERE, IF NOT MORE, AS I WAS TAKING THE RISKS — NOT THEM] on Highbury Fields to change my clothes before returning home.

Most of what I remember about my first day walking around outside in makeup and a dress was fear. The fear of being stared at, which I knew I would be. This was partly because I wasn’t that good at applying makeup. I’d bought a book about how to do it and then tried to teach myself, but I didn’t have older sisters to practice with [BECAUSE ALL WOMEN WEAR MAKEUP, NATCH, OTHERWISE — AND HERE COMES THE MATH, PEOPLE, ELLES NE SONT PAS FEMMES!], or on [LIKE DOLLS].

So I went out and hung out with my friend from the help group, and I made it through. Until it was time to go back home.

I had a little bag I’d brought with me with my other clothing to change back into. So at the end of the afternoon, I came back on the Underground to Highbury Corner in Islington and went to the ladies’ loos as planned. I’d expected to go in [TO THESE ENCLOSED PUBLIC SPACES PROVIDED FOR WOMEN AND GIRLS FOR THEIR DIGNITY, SAFETY AND ABILITY TO WORK AND SOCIALIZE AWAY FROM HOME BLAH-DI-BLAH-DI AND ALL THAT JAZZCHICKENS], quickly change my clothes, wipe off my makeup, then slip back out in boy mode [OR THE MODE OF CLOTHING HABITUALLY MARKETED TO MALES] so I could go home with no one knowing [NO REAL HUMANS, THAT IS. LIKE MEN. OF COURSE IT BEING A LADIES’ LOO (SEE THE BLAH-DI-BLAH ABOVE ABOUT THEM), THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME OF ‘THEM’. THEY WERE THE RISK NECESSARY TO THE STORY.]

What I wasn’t expecting in the ladies’ loos at about three o’clock in the afternoon were three teenage girls smoking cigarettes. [I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS EXPECTING IN THE TOILETS BUILT AND PROVIDED FOR FEMALES, AFTER YEARS OF PUBLIC STRUGGLE AND CAMPAIGNING YADDA-YADDA BUT I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THEM TO BE EMPTY — LIKE A PRIVATE ‘PIED A TERRE’ FOR MY JAUNT]. They were probably just skipping school [GOD KNOWS, WHY, ITS THE ONLY HOPE THOSE THICKO’S WOULD HAVE OF NOT BEING THE KIND OF GIRLS HANGING AROUND IN TOILETS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT?]. So there they were, smoking cigarettes, [DIRTY, NASTY HABIT] while I was just trying to find a stall, change clothes, and get out of there [THE WOMEN’S LOOS INVADED BY STINKY GIRLS — REMEMBER?].

But the first cubicle I went into didn’t have a lock. Actually, it’s the kind of public loo where it’s surprising that they’ve even got doors. [GOD, IF I’D KNOWN I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A COUPLE OF MATES IN WITH ME FOR MUTUAL SUPPORT…] And I’m sure the men’s loos were even worse than the women’s. [THANK GOODNESS SO MANY WOKE VENUES ARE NOW CHANGING THE SIGNAGE ON THE LADIES’ LOOS TO ‘GENDER NEUTRAL’. IT MEANS THE DISPARITY IN HYGIENE BETWEEN MEN’S AND WOMEN’S LOOS IS REALLY NARROWING.]

I thought, Oh shit, I cannot change in this loo and be constantly trying to hold my hand against the door. [WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN BEING ME, AN ADULT MALE, TRYING TO GET CHANGED IN TOILETS BUILT TO PROVIDE DIGN… AND ALL THAT HISTORY & HUMAN RIGHTS GUFF…]

So I decided to find another stall. I opened the door of the stall I was in and zipped across the middle passageway to the stall opposite. I closed that door. It didn’t have a lock, either. I thought, Oh crap. I’ve got to try for another one now.

So I went across a third time, and by that time these girls were quite obviously whispering about me: “Who is that? What are they doing? Is that a he or a she?” [WHISPERING IS SNEAKY AND IGNOBLE. ONLY PEOPLE UP TO NO GOOD WOULD BE WHISPERING. ITS THE TYPICAL BEHAVIOUR OF BULLIES. DETESTABLE.]

I could hear the whispering going on. In the third cubicle there was a lock. [I HOPE THIS IS NOW CLEARLY GIVING YOU THE PICTURE OF MY HEROIC JEOPARDY. TRAPPED IN ENEMY TERRITORY. SURROUNDED BY THE 3 WITCHES. SMOKING! WHISPERING! NOT AT SCHOOL!] So I locked the door and quickly managed to change my clothes and wipe the makeup off my face, not using the handy makeup wipes that you can buy today, but probably with liquid makeup remover or something else incredibly inconvenient. [I HEAR WOMEN DRONING ON ABOUT PERIODS AND BABIES AND DUM-DI-DUM-DI-DUM BUT THIS WAS REAL PROBLEMSVILLE FOR MOI].

Finally, the dress was off, the heels were off, the makeup was off, and jeans and flat shoes were back on. Now I had to make it out quickly before the girls could react. [TRY SUBSTITUTING THE WORD ‘GAURDS’ FOR ‘GIRLS’ AND YOU WILL COME SOME SMALL WAY TOWARDS UNDERSTANDING THE PERIL I WAS BRAVELY FACING].

But that was impossible.

The girls were ready to act. They were just waiting for me. [LIKE TYPICAL SCHOOLYARD THUGS. OK THIS WASN’T THE SCHOOLYARD IT WAS A FEMALE LOO WITH ALL THAT HISTORY SCHMISTORY BUT THIS IS MY STORY, RIGHT?] And when I finally came out of the cubicle, they shouted, “Hey, mate! Hey, mister! Why are you wearing makeup? Why are you dressed as a woman?”

I was out the door, heading back toward home, but they were following me. “Hey, why are you dressed as a woman?” They were still following me across Highbury Fields, which was when I thought, Don’t go home, they’ll know where you live, you’ll never hear the end of it.

So I was heading away from home, walking and walking and walking, around Highbury Corner, down Canonbury Road, while they continued to shout at me. Finally, I thought: Screw this. They’re just going to shout at me forever. Let’s confront this. So I stopped and I turned around to face my teenage inquisitors. [I LOVE THE WORD INQUISITORS — DON’T YOU? IT REALLY PAINTS THE CORRECT PICTURE. FACELESS, POWERFUL OPPRESSORS. TORQUEMADA! THUMBSCREWS! MATRYDOM!]

I shouted back, “You want to know why I’m wearing a dress? I’ll tell you why.”

But before I could say anything else, the girls just screamed and ran off in the other direction. [THEY MUST, I GUESS, HAVE HAD A COMPLETE CHANGE OF CHARACTER FROM THEIR PREVIOUS INQUISITOR-BULLY-THUG-WHISPERER INCARNATIONS THAT HELPED ME GET THIS FAR IN THE STORY WITH ME BEING THE HERO]. I was stunned. Wow. That wasn’t as hard as I thought. [NOTE TO SELF: IF I SHOUT AT SCHOOLGIRLS IN PUBLIC THEY WILL REALISE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS]

I think that was the first time I was overtly intimidated because of my sexuality [DON’T NOTE THAT I SAID ‘SEXUALITY’ AND PRETEND I SAID ‘GENDER IDENTITY’, AS MY ‘SEXUALITY’ BEING FACILITATED BY USING LADIES’ PUBLIC LOOS MIGHT NOT PLAY PERFECTLY TO ALL AUDIENCES].

You assume older people intimidate younger people, but those three thirteen-year-old girls [WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN IN MY TOILET IN THE FIRST PLACE!] had power over a twenty-three-year-old man [DON’T GOOGLE ‘DARVO’ OR YOU’LL BE CLASSED AS A TROLL AND BEARDED GAMERS WILL UNGLUE THEMSELVES FROM PORNHUB JUST LONG ENOUGH TO SEND YOU AN ANIME DEATH-THREAT].

Maybe they turned out to be wonderful human beings. Or maybe they all now live in a tree. Whatever. [WHO CARES ABOUT THEM? THE THREE WITCHES. SMOKING. WHISPERING. ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY I WAS IN THE LADIES’ LOOS. THE NERVE!]

I learned something that day when those girls ran off: If you confront aggression — Sometimes just standing your ground or even with cheeriness and politeness — sometimes you can shut it down. [I JUST DON’T KNOW WHY THE AGGRESSION OF TEENAGE GIRLS IS NOT A MUCH HIGHER PRIORITY FOR POLICE. ARE THEY BLIND? DON’T THEY UNDERSTAND THE DANGER? THEY ARE A DARK FORCE AND I AM GLAD THAT MY STORY HAS HELPED SHINE A LIGHT ON THE POSSIBILITY OF ADULT MEN WINNING THE DAY OVER THEM, DESPITE THE HISTORICAL IMPROBABILITY OF SUCH AN OUTCOME.]It’s not a perfect science, but it feels better than being scared. I also learned that you could feel empowered by facing people down. They were only thirteen or fourteen, but the turning around and saying, “All right, I’ll tell you,” felt almost like a second coming out because I had to say, “Okay, you want to put me in a corner? I’ll face this down as opposed to screaming and running.” Which I always thought I might do. But I didn’t scream and run — in the end, they did. [ I REALISED THEN — AS SO MANY OTHERS, IN LESS DRAMATIC AND HEROIC CIRCUMSTANCES, NATURALLY , HAVE ALSO COME TO REALISE — THAT THE ENEMY OF GENDER NON-CONFORMING MALES IS FEMALES. NOT OTHER MALES — OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU A STORY ABOUT ENDEMIC MALE VIOLENCE. WHICH I DIDN’T. SO THEY’RE NOT. IT’S WOMEN.]

ETC…